The Intimacy Trap, Balancing Hormones and the HeadAs I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column caught my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating predicament and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women utilize sex to obtain love, and guys utilize love to get sex." This is a great summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap resembles the Love Trap, where singles translate great sex as love. Those who fall into the Sex Trap go even farther since for these singles, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.
Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:
A.they think sex is a essential test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will ready as well).
B.more typically, all awareness heads out the window, and one or both previously level-headed singles consider themselves a dedicated couple as quickly as they have sex.
Rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical attraction-- such as long-lasting requirements, needs, and desires-- they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to communicate with reality when all those hormonal agents are running wild. Our body reacts to somebody we are brought in to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone ( boosts sexual desire), that makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are drawn in to incredibly difficult to withstand. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce feelings), which makes us feel really near and bonded with our sex partner.
These chain reactions are strong and uncontrolled , resulting in effective feelings of destination, excitement, love, wellness, and nearness .
When issues emerge, those who fall into the Sex Trap typically rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got problems, but the sex is a knockout post fantastic!" They probably would not confess, however they focus on physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their primary scouting tools are sexual tourist attraction and physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works mostly with gay males, states that many of his clients have actually fallen under the Sex Trap.
" For gay guys especially in city locations, sex is easily offered, and that in itself is a trap," North states. "In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sex. If a possible partner is going to be sexually suitable, numerous gay males desire to find out from the starting. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to be excellent?".
North includes, "I think this is a 'guy' thing rather than a 'gay' thing.".
I do wish to point out that chemistry is essential. Chemistry is a given that we cannot control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it needs to be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we cannot "make" chemistry take place, though sometimes it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry threat relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication uses off and reality hits.
To prevent the Sex Trap, you need to balance your heart (and hormonal agents) with your head. This suggests integrating chemistry with common sense. While great sex is important for a sustainable relationship, you have to make your partner choices by paying complete focus on your vision, goals, values, and requirements -- while feeling all those amazing sparks!